Interpersonal conflicts affect relationships. They may arise due to a breach of trust, misunderstanding etc which usually lead to hurt feelings, and result in damaged relationships. These relationships may or may not recover, which brings me to recall such a story:
Anna and Bob came a long way. They have been good friends and school mates in secondary school, and became classmates in junior college. They have many common friends, and I happen to be one of their 'closer' common friends.
As many would have expected in a long history of friendship (enjoying the pains and joy of youth and school life etc), they were close in JC and naturally became a handsome couple. Many of us thought that they were the most ideal couple in school... until Anna told me her story over coffee one day.
This is her story:
"It was not easy, with us being so busy with our different CCAs. However, we saw each other in class everyday and it was fine in the beginning. What we overlooked was that we saw each other waaaayy too often in the long run. Perhaps he was getting bored of this relationship? I could tell from his actions and behaviour towards me in class; he was starting to ignore me and preferred to hang out with his bunch of guy friends instead. I shrugged it off initially, until I started getting the vibes (female intuition) that he was lying to me. The worst incident that happened was when I was waiting for him to have group study in the library, he never turned up. I called him and he said he was with his guy friends... when they were in the library, seated not too far away from me. I felt hurt and was extremely angry that he had lied. Based on gut feel, I called up this other classmate of ours (Cindy) that was getting closer to him in the recent months. It was then I realised that he was studying with her outside school. I was simple and trusted him too much I suppose...I lost my faith in him and the relationship. After a few weeks, he called me thereafter and dumped me over the phone. I guess he could not stand my distrust and change in attitude towards him. It was right before our A levels and I had a really difficult time in trying to pull myself together and concentrate on studying... I cried every night, and wondered what went wrong..."
Lets pause here.
From what she described, it seems that she was able detect warning bells through non-verbal communication before anything happened. Personally, I felt that she should have left the relationship earlier, since she already had all the signs that he was no longer interested; rather than wait till it was nearing the exams. Maybe they were better off as friends?
Additionally, we can see that non-verbals play a huge part in how humans 'read' each other.
Lets continue:
Anna and Bob returned to being friends after the A levels. They eventually got back together and are still seeing each other. One big problem is that Anna is now mentally and emotionally scarred. She admits that she still cannot trust Bob, and is more cautious when making new friends. She realises that she has become more demanding and controlling of Bob; she needs to know of his whereabouts and the things he has been doing. She is fearful of his female friends and gets cold and hostile when he mentions that he is out with friends, hoping that he will get the idea and stop being with them.
Anna loves Bob, and knows that Bob loves her very much in return, and have since changed for the better. However, she really cannot allow herself to get hurt again...
The end.
I was at a loss when I heard Anna's story. Many bad things have affected her during her most stressful period of her life (A levels) and thus her emotions have become more complexed. Telling her to trust Bob isn't going to work; Bob had betrayed her trust many times throughout their relationship. Bob feels stuck in this relationship as well. He understands her condition and is very regretful of the naive things he has done to her in the past.
Now, for the big question:
What should Anna do to mend her emotions, gain back her trust and faith in others, especially to make their relationship work?
Have a good Lunar New Year Break everyone!
A very insightful and powerful story which I can totally relate to. “Trust is like a vase.. once it's broken, though you can fix it the vase will never be same again.”
ReplyDeleteOne of the key EQ principles is definitely communication. When couples, or even friends and families have a misunderstanding, to prevent it from exploding into a disaster, effective communication between both sides are essential. For both Anna and Bob, even if they see each other everyday does not mean that they communicate healthily. Healthy communication means the form of sharing ones thoughts and problems, where they can come together to form a solution that works best for both of them. For Anna, the best thing is for her to share her problem with Bob, and vice versa. She should also listen to Bob's end of the story, so she can take a step back and see the bigger picture.
Only through proper communication can one resolve conflict. However, after the talk, if things does not work out, then the best action to do is to move on. It is actually more difficult to move on, but as you grow older in the future you will realise that the past is the past.
I am no 'Aunt Agony', but my thoughts and perspective is that if a couple have different wants in life, no matter how hard they try, they will not reach their intended destination. However, if they both want the same ending, then no matter what comes in between them, they will definitely reach their dream goal, because they will work together to attain it.
I agree with Nuri that your account was insightful. It not only showed us the conflict between people, but the conflict within oneself!
ReplyDeleteIt seemed that Anna and Bob did not have a proper channel to express their views and concerns, and they were unsure of how they could convey their thoughts to each other. This might be a factor that led to their unfortunate decisions to be overly suspicious and to lie.
Moreover, as much as it is important to communicate effectively with others, it is also important for us to communicate well with ourselves. Being more aware of what we aspire, and why we fear certain things, would benefit us in immense ways! :)
I feel that both parties were at fault for causing such a big conflict. It seems to me that Bob was hiding things from Anna initially, hance causing Anna to lose trust in him.
ReplyDeleteYou also mentioned that Anna 'gets cold and hostile when he (Bob) mentions that he is out with friends, hoping that he will get the idea and stop being with them'. I feel that Anna should not demand Bob to leave his friends because he has his social life as well.
What is lacking in this couple is proper communication. Perhaps, they should sit down peacefully, iron things out and come to a common concensus of informing each other of their activities.
Bob can also invite Anna to go out with him and his friends so that she can get to know his friends better. In this way, Anna would be able to regain her trust in Bob.
I agree with Nuri and Pei Jin but I also feel that in every relationship, you need to respect the individual's personal time and space. In my own experience, there's absolutely nothing wrong if couples or friends don't feel the need to see each other all the time or do the same things all the time. You need breathing space in every relationship and by that I mean time to see other friends, pursue a hobby which your partner may not share, but that's okay. In fact it gives you more to talk about when you see each other:))
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